Sunday, June 25, 2017

Lord Battle's Half-Christmas Krampus Round-up (Top 6 Krampus Movies)



Back in 2014 there were whispers that a wave of Krampus films had been hitting recent film fests. This seemed impossible since the Santa themed demon had yet to get a real noteworthy representation in Hollywood. Thing is, the whispers were true, but did these films achieve in creating a real noteworthy representation? This question is why I, Lord Battle have decided to conquer each and every one of these holiday horror features, taking into account release dates, film quality, interpretation of mythology, and the look of said Krampus, and ultimately dub one film king of cinema and one Krampus king of Krampi*. Since each film has already been reviewed by the creatures at the Overlook Theatre, I'll give the Lord Battle "Gist" of the film and of link each subtitle to the actual review.
This isn't a challenge for the weak of heart so clear your calendar, get high, and lower your expectations, and join me on this journey if you dare.

*Plural for Krumpus

Starting off my list by coming in last is Krampus: The Reckoning, one of 3 Krampus films to come out in 2015. You might ask how a film that contains violence, nudity, and a plot centered around a little girl with a voodoo doll pull up the rear on a horror list? Simple, the fucking Krampus is CGI! This is such a big faux pas that I don't even know how to properly articulate this huge misstep... I mean, have you ever met a film collector that just needed to own every Sci-fi channel release? Like they thought the CGI was either impressive or hilarious? To be fair, the initial appearance of Krampus received a round of hazing that was particularly enjoyable but I'd still rather put on Robert Conway's second attempt at Krampus shenanigans, which we'll get into later on. Honestly who knows why this Krampus was doomed to a CGI prison and destined to be manipulated by a young girl... Yeah, the mythology in this film is unique which isn't bad, but poorly fleshed out which is.
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A Christmas Horror Story is a holiday anthology film that employs the Crash-type of storytelling style and I don't mean using horrific car accidents as a turn-on (sadly). I mean the enlightened and magical style of very separate stories all cross pollinating at some point narrativly to point out that all actions affect community. And with all of us being members of the Earth community, we're closer to one another than we think... You know, when I put it that way it kinda works for a holiday anthology but for a holiday horror anthology this means that you (horror fans) may be stuck in some shorts that you personally are bored by. And I say stuck because all these shorts are broken down into their own respective 3 acts that are then cut together so that the film ultimately follows a single pace instead of having a wrap around that pops up in between 4 singular shorts... But who cares, we are talking King of the Krampi here, so what's this Krampus like?
Duncan (Percy Hynes White) describes Krampus as a sort of Anti-Santa; a demon who punishes the naughty. Who whips them and chains them up. Yet we don't get the Clive Barker-esque Krampus which Duncan's imagery conjures up, instead get a 1990's WWE gimmick of the weak Krampus who essentially looks like a body model for Muscle and Fitness magazine, Combine this with the fact that Krampus is ultimately 1/5 of this film and he ends up 5th on this list.
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Released in 2013 with an opening worthy of a first wave black metal band's accompaniment, Krampus: The Christmas Devil is a micro budget oddity which belongs in the history books as the first ever Krampus horror film. Now I know there's a film in the 50's that had a Krampus appearance and Rare Exports had an evil Santa back in 2010, but that's not what we are really looking at here. Perhaps The Christmas Devil set the tone by actually creating the first ever Krampusploitation film, altering his story in a way that made Santa his brother, a cave his home, and women his decorations... What I'm trying to say is that The Christmas Devil may not be the best Krampus film or even a good movie but it's made an impact on the mind and soul of Lord Battle and has earned its spot at #4. Even if this Krampus looks like a mutated homeless man.
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A year after his first summoning of the scandinavian Christmas demon, Robert Conway returns with a polar opposite approach to the Krampus film library with Krampus Unleashed, which not only features a non CGI Krampus but easily the best looking one of the low budget horror attempts. This shaggy bigfoot of a Krampus also features a unique mythology but, unlike Krampus: The Reckoning, this one is not only absurd but creative and interesting.

"It's kind of cool that the coal in your stocking is an interpretation of ancient demon summoning stones" - Math Mage

Robert Conway must have heard his critics and unlike so many others listened. Krampus Unleashed is Krampusploitation done right, with a huge body count, nudity, and a couple solid kills. Audiences will even overlook the fact that this holiday horror looks less like Christmas than it does a slasher shot in the desert due to budgetary constraints.
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Robert Conway isn't the only filmmaker to return to Krampusploitation in 2016. The originator of the genre himself Jason Hull returns and unlike Conway's reinventing of his prior Krampus film, Jason Hull brings us another first in the Krampusploitation genre, a direct sequel! With returning characters, a slightly improved Krampus, and an even more bizarre/convoluted plot.

Math Mage - "In the first Krampus film the criminal had escaped justice due to lawyers and came to get revenge for... not being put in prison? He gets killed; in the sequel his previously unmentioned brother wants revenge for that death. Which would make more sense, except that his brother is also a gang leader with his own crew, in the same town. And he waited to take revenge for 5 years while the cop in question went and lived in the woods (and grew a beard). Cuz that's what you do when you're traumatized by the Krampus and you're certain that your daughter who he kidnapped is still alive: you move to an isolated cabin and grow a beard. Eventually there is a ridiculous chick fight, and some boring gunfights (and Krampus is there too, he kidnaps and murders some kids. That's important I guess). Then there's a "twist" where Santa Clause also wants revenge on the cop for some stuff that was never hinted at before (and he also waited till just now to take that revenge for some reason) and then the movie just ends. A torturous slog of a film but still not the worst Krampus movie (I still have you Krampus: The Reckoning)." - 1 Star
(Taken from the Overlooks review)

 Now Math Mage is the type of creature that could fill you in on every character's name and motivation from a film like Friday the 13th Part 6. I myself prefer to get lost in a film, enjoy visuals, and think about how this collaborative art makes me feel, so I think it's important that Math Mage sum up the insanity that went down in Krampus 2: The Devil Returns because I could honestly only remember liking the film a lot but couldn't recall anything significant that happened. Still, I proclaim that Krampus 2: The Devil Returns is no doubt the highlight of micro budget Krampusploitation and considering you've made it this far on my list, you should checkout the interview I did with Jason Hall in the "Wrap-up" section of our review.
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For many horror fans, Michael Dougherty's (Trick 'r' Treat) announcement that he'd be returning to horror on a new holiday marked the first time they'd even come across the name Krampus. And for those who had been aware of the anti-Santa for years either became weary that their well kept secret was about to be exposed to the masses or incredibly happy that someone was finally taking advantage of this ripe horror appropriate mythology. I found myself in the latter. I thought of Krampus as a child abducting rapist, who often whipped people with hooked chains and figured Dougherty wouldn't touch those themes with a 10 foot pole, but also thought he was creative enough to maneuver around them in a way that would please 90% of fans. And he sure did, recreating the mythology of Krampus to read like a dark fairytale. Dougherty's Krampus avoids all the darker tropes of our Krampusploitation genre and replaces them with an Amblin vibe and a slew of dark creatures to be entertained by. Seriously, I never thought I'd be excited by elves but the Satanic cult of Elves in this film are something else. And still none of this would matter if Krampus himself didn't herald his own visual achievement. I mean, I still argue whether we see his actually face in this film or if he's wearing a mask like his elven worshipers. At the end of the day, Dougherty's 2016 Krampus film had a budget that dwarfed the combined totality of all other films on this list cmbined, coming in at $15,000,000 (I couldn't find a budget for A Christmas Horror Story but I'm guessing it cost around 5 million).
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And there it is, Lord Battle's Half-Christmas Krampus Round-Up. Again these choices were made solely by me but if you're interested in what the other creatures thought, I've added a link to each review below each poster. If you have any questions, comments, or arguments please share them, interaction with humans is the only thing I get out of making these posts and I enjoy it very much. And if you know of any films I missed please let me know!

- Lord Battle

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